Gabby

As a person who lives with a mental health condition, I need to be extra self-aware. This is doubly important during times of high stress. The current world situation resoundingly qualifies. Over the last several months the world has become almost unrecognizable to many of us. Quarantine and social distancing have changed the way we live overnight. It has been unsettling and my overall sense of security is out of sorts. So many people have been displaced from their normal work and home lives. It’s no wonder, I constantly hear people say, “I can’t wait for things to get back to normal.” I have said it myself. In this “new” world changes feel like they are popping up constantly. Like some bizarre never-ending parade of weird. In the meantime, I am just trying to figure out what the new rules are and how they apply to myself and my family. There are so many unfamiliar situations and feelings being stirred up in our lives that it is hard to feel grounded.

Looking back when quarantine began, I spent the first eight weeks in a cozy little cocoon of sorts; just myself, my daughter, and my boyfriend Rick. If I felt overwhelmed or filled with anxiety Rick helped me get through it and I did the same for him. Together we also helped my daughter deal with her feelings, as school and life changed for her too. Even though being quarantined was far from ideal, I grew accustomed to it. I understood what was expected of me, what my days would entail, and I knew who I could trust to care for me if I needed it. I felt safe and secure.

Then as we began to come out of that first eight weeks of quarantine everything changed again. Restrictions were being softened and redefined. Businesses were slowly opening again. As a country we hadn’t gone out or gotten together in large groups to have fun and socialize like we used to. Events and special moments had to be reworked or canceled to prevent further spread of the virus Changes can be especially hard on those that live with mental health. Consequently, I felt weird being out in public again at first. Even though the idea of getting back to the routine of work and to that sense of “Normalcy” was a welcome one. I admit, I felt overwhelmed. I was trying to balance work, family time and housework. I was out of practice, I guess. I had these unrealistically skewed expectations for myself. I began to put more and more pressure on myself. I felt like I had to play catch up, working twice as hard to make up for all that lost time. It was hard on my body; I was worn out and got sore so much more easily. My anxiety levels had risen, and I was really irritable and easily aggravated. For me, it was more than just the changes going on outside my home. With my stress levels skyrocketing, it was more than going back to work or figuring out how to be in public again too. Because of the nature of my illness different parts of me can react to stress in completely different ways. The uncertainty brought on by so many changes triggered some deep fears and long held abandonment issues in one of my alternate personalities.

I’d like to share a little bit about Gabrielle and introduce you to her. Firstly, she likes to be called Gabby. If you tried to call her Gabrielle, she would likely give you a scathing look, stick out her tongue and put her hands on her hips. Then she would skip off ignoring you. Gabby has been with me since the beginning. She was created to help me deal with the abuse I was going through as a very young girl. Because our abuser was a male, she has never really trusted most boys. She doesn’t have a whole lot of great feelings for grownups that she sees as an authoritative figure either. She is afraid of them, and constantly worrying she will do something wrong and then she won’t be cared for. She is only seven years old and although some days she says she feels ten Gabby will likely never really grow up. Her thoughts and emotions may never fully mature. That means realistically, Gabby will most likely be a child for my entire life. Because Gabby is so young, she has a very hard time processing the more complex emotional triggers she was feeling.

Gabby isn’t all sadness and fear though. She is sassy, funny, and creative. She loves to color and make things. She loves princesses, fairytales, sparkles, and pink. She also loves to climb trees and ride bikes. She enjoys making up silly stories and playing small practical jokes. She can be a regular chatter box with boundless energy and a love of dancing. On other occasions she will get a bit mouthy or pull pranks on me. One of her old favorite pranks is to try to force me to blurt out weird noises or random words that she thinks are funny. Sometimes she works with Melody (another of my personalities) to pull pranks on the others too. I’m not always privy to all those details though; I’m told its “top-secret girl stuff.” Gabby is a precocious, highly creative, and intelligent little girl. When she uses that power for good, she is a ray of sunshine, hugs, and energetic joy. When Gabby uses her “powers” for not so good she can be a very sneaky and tricky little girl. You never know what side of Gabby you’re going to get.

One very special thing about Gabby revolves around her connection with another of my younger selves, Molly. Gabby is like a “big sister” to Molly. They are almost always together and have developed their own special way of communicating. Molly is only three years old and her verbal skills reflect that. Gabby has found a way to understand Molly and relays her needs and thoughts to us by speaking for her when he needs help expressing herself. Their symbiotic relationship and the way they help and care for each other is a beautiful thing. I wish more people would focus on how we can love and help each other. I’ll share more about Molly in a future blog piece, but I wanted you to know about Gabby and Molly’s special relationship because it speaks to who Gabby is as a person. Gabby is a warm hearted and loving child. Even with all the hurt and pain Gabby holds inside she still takes the time to care for and help others.

Like many children, Gabby doesn’t do well with big transitions and changes. She becomes fearful that she will be forgotten and left behind in all the confusion. She wonders if she is safe. When Gabby feels like this, she wants to hide in small dark spaces. She cries and sniffles and shrinks in on herself hoping desperately for someone (maybe a prince or knight) to come save her. You can see these emotions represented in Gabby’s mask (pictured above). The crumbling castle walls on the mask represent her own internal walls which keep people out and her, supposedly safely, inside. Sadly, she has never really believed she deserves all those cuddly snuggles and loving gestures she wants so desperately. She doesn’t fully understand that she cuts herself off from the possibility of that kind of attention as well by hiding behind those walls. You may have noticed the cracks in her castle walls. The cracks are actually a really good thing. They show that Gabby has started to let her defenses slowly but surely crumble. Last but not least; the pretty pink princess crown. Whatever else Gabby is she is still a little girl with a bright imagination and a certain quality of innocents. Every Princess needs her crown.

Even though Gabby and I are both a part of the same person and share this body she doesn’t have the intellectual or social maturities you might expect in a woman of 46 years. Children learn to cope with all kinds of difficult and new emotions as they grow up. Like us adults they use some methods to cope that are healthy and some that are not. Examples might include drawing about their emotions or perhaps something more right brained like following a chores chart or organizing their things. An example of more negative coping technique might be hiding or destroying property. Gabby copes by hiding or drawing most often. So, she has both healthy and unhealthy coping techniques.

I would like to share a story that illustrates my point. When my boyfriend Rick was beginning to prepare himself mentally to return to work after quarantine, Gabby was preparing too. She was trying to process through some complicated feelings that included old fears of abandonment. She began to worry and fret as her mind went through all the horrible, imagined possibilities. Because Gabby had not shared all this with me, I was unprepared for the barrage of her emotional response. I felt all her anxiety and fear moving through me. I was depressed and felt very unsettled. I had a very difficult time staying calm and rational, with no clear idea of why I felt this way. Rick saw that I was being affected negatively and thought to ask me, “Which one of your others is this coming from?” After pausing to consider his question I inquired of my others and Gabby came forward. She then wept and expressed her fears directly to Rick. “I’m afraid you will leave us, please don’t go!” she said. He held her close and reassured her. It was a breakthrough moment for Gabby. Not only had she been brave and shared her true feelings, but she began to accept the fact that sharing those feelings was O.K. Because she was received with love and thoughtfulness toward her fears instead of rejection and ridicule, she was able to begin to let go of those fears.

This event was also an eye opener for me. I learned that when I feel overly emotional and stressed that it might help to take a moment and check in with my others. Even if it isn’t “my” emotional issue we can all work together as a team to help the personality who is most affected. Because I knew that Gabby was the one suffering in that moment, I was able to direct the attention where it was needed. Gabby felt better after talking about it and getting such great snuggly affection. Furthermore, we were able to discuss the situation after she was not so caught up in the emotional influences of her fears. Gabby and I were able to talk about coping techniques and what helps her specifically. In her case coloring is a very calming activity. Gabby and I went out to the stores to find her a coloring book and crayons. Three stores later and two pack of crayons (the first set of crayons didn’t color right) we found what she wanted. Gabby got a coloring book with pretty princesses and magical creatures and a 96 pack of Crayola.

Now, I am aware that a coloring book and hugs won’t work for everyone and every problem. I know the vast majority of you only have one personality too. The point is that I listened to myself and found a method that was appropriate to the situation and the part of me that was in the greatest need. Learning to listen to yourself and taking positive actions is a valuable skill for anyone’s mental health. It’s called self-care and it should be a regularly used tool in your mental health toolbox. As an example, Anxiety can come on like a storm out of nowhere for apparently no reason. Anxiety can also be situational. That means it is triggered by a certain situation, smell, taste, sound, phrase etc. Depending on the type of anxiety you are experiencing, different coping techniques may work better or worse. It’s important to be mindful of the type of mental health moment you are having so that you can act accordingly.

Ultimately what I learned from my recent moments with Gabby is that I need to be more mindful. In my case that might also involve discovering which one of my Others is in distress so that We can act accordingly. I must be willing to be flexible with myself in regard to my mental health maintenance. I need learn to be patient with myself as well. Whether you have many voices in your head like I do, or only your own voice it’s important to check in with yourself and to build a good relationship. I gave myself a hug today. Not because I was lonely or felt sad. I gave myself a hug today because I wanted to show myselves appreciation. We are all working and trying to grow together as a whole person. It’s important to celebrate your victories. That’s a form of self-care too. They hugged me back by the way 😉

The world will never be like it was pre-pandemic and, in some ways, I think that will be a very good thing. Some of us have taken the time to learn new hobbies, strike up new friendships, develop closer relationship with loved ones or broken toxic habits. Others of us are still struggling. We as a people could benefit from the example Gabby and her “little sister” Molly present. Molly is unable to do certain things because she is little. Gabby doesn’t ridicule her or feel superior nor does she ignore her or ask why she can’t help herself. Gabby simply offered Molly a hand in support and love as someone who understands; we all need help sometimes. As we move forward, the best I or anyone can do is continue to muddle through to the best of our abilities. We don’t have to do so alone though. Let’s offer that hand to our fellow human beings just like Gabby did. For myself, we will continue to show kindness and compassion to my fellow human beings. My hand is extended to each of you in love and support.

Gabby’s Room

Note: In writing this piece I found I became stuck on this idea that I had to answer this list of questions about Gabby. No one gave me this list. It was just sort of my mental checklist of things I thought you, my readers might ask. It then admittedly, became a list of things I thought I should know too. I felt like; I could not finish this blog piece until I had all those boxes ticked off. It’s funny because I had just told a friend that she should not feel pressured to have all those answers for herself. We are all a work in progress so its ok if I don’t have to have all those answers yet. Its ok that Gabby and I are still growing in our relationship with each other. Gabby is still growing in her relationships with everyone else too. There is no time limit. I won’t be punished or thrown out of the club if I fail to get all the answers.

With that in mind, here is another fun tidbit Gabby chooses to share with us.

One of the things that makes my life more manageable and gives me much needed structure is a mental construct I call my Mind Mansion. My Mind Mansion is the way I use to organize all my different personalities. Inside this mansion in my mind I have a room with a large table that has space for each of my others to meet and talk. There is also a library where we each keep our personal stories from our life. One of the coolest things about my mind mansion is that each personality gets their own room. They can decorate and express themselves in their rooms. They can be as uniquely themselves as they want, provided it doesn’t cause harm to us, as a whole.

Gabby loves her room and was excited to share about it with all of you. Her room situation is different from the others because she shares a room with Molly. I mentioned their special relationship earlier in this piece. I should also note that Miriam’s room is directly connected to the girl’s nursery room, so that she can help care for them. Miriam is a motherly nurturing type. I will share more about her in a future piece. This is the only room sharing situation in my entire mansion, so it is unique and special if you ask me.

The girl’s room is set up like a giant nursery with areas for sleep, play and activities. Inside you will find a huge play castle built with multiple levels, a slide and even a small drawbridge. There are of course chests filled with dress up clothing and accessories. What other treasure could two little girls enjoy? The story corner with its piles of stuffed toys and loads of wonderful pillows to snuggle into while you read a great book. Or curl up with Miriam on the window seat while she reads one to you. You will often find Gabby in the art corner too. She loves to color and paint. One of Gabby’s favorite things in her room is her tiny fairy garden. She loves each tiny little fairy house and spends hours playing with or rearranging the pieces. Sometimes they help her in battles to claim the castle for her own. All hail the knight/princess Gabby! When she is all tuckered out and ready for sleep Gabby has a special bed. The Princess sleeps in her very own magical carriage bed complete with soft flowing curtains. We hope you have enjoyed this special look into Gabby’s world.