Happy Holidays?

Welcome to the holidays. A time of good cheer, renewed friendships, and celebrations with family. But not for some of us living with mental illness. It may in fact be the most difficult time of year. While everyone else is reveling in their connections to the people around them we may feel isolated, angry, depressed and yes, even more suicidal than “normal”.

I can remember many family gatherings. I would spend brief periods of time around my family, but even longer times in a back bedroom avoiding it all. My isolation made me feel shame and guilt. I loved my family. So what was so wrong with me that I couldn't spend more time with them? That question was hard to answer. I am both a retired therapist and a man with Bipolar disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. As such I would have thought these questions easy to answer. This article is my attempt to answer those questions and explore some solutions.

To start with our mental illness negates the connection we feel to other people. We feel alone and isolated. I can sit in a room full of people and still feel a distance from others. I am a man on an island with no bridge or boat to cross over that gap. And that's on a good day. Holidays magnify this.

Then there are the grief issues. As I approach this holiday, I have recurring thoughts about my mom who passed several years ago. How can I honor her memory? How do I support my children's grief as I struggle with my own? Holidays amplify our emotions. Joy as we celebrate with loved ones reaches new highs. Missing those who have passed creates new lows.

Many of my clients had trauma issues from growing up. Many times a family member caused the trauma. Now you're told to spend time with them, play nice, and don't make a fuss cause now is not the time. Nothing makes mental health worse than having your feelings invalidated especially when it comes from family.

Combining these issues leads to a frightening conclusion: increased incidents of suicidal ideation and attempts. My first psychiatric hospitalization happened on December 8, 2022. I was admitted for having suicidal ideation, a plan, and intent. As I write this a bell went off in my head. I was struggling with the holidays in ways I was unwilling to admit to myself.

So how do we survive? We want to involve ourselves as much as we can in the festivities. At the same time we need to be aware of our limits. Some events should be avoided, particularly around people who caused us trauma. It's simply not safe. Set healthy expectations. Let people know you may be late, leave early, or spend time away in a quiet location. It's important to enjoy an activity and quit while you are successful. If we don't stop until we have a meltdown, we will feel like a failure. Leave any activity on a positive note.

Avoid feeling shame or guilt. I failed at that. Here is something I told my clients: You are braver than you know. It takes guts for us to put ourselves in difficult social situations.  Bravery is the ability to act despite being afraid. It is not brave to go to a party and have fun. It's brave because we are afraid to go to the party in the first place. There is no reason to feel shame or guilt when we are brave.

There are some dangerous front loaded expectations here. We have said holidays are difficult. That expectation alone could lead us into trouble. Instead take this holiday and set small achievable goals and rejoice in success. Find the fun and enjoy. Spend time with close friends. Get to know relatives you seldom see. Break out of old habits and try something new!

Happy Holidays to you all. We are destined for a good one.