I am the Starfish

I attended a service today of my fellow Buddhists. We are a Sangha. Buddhist language for a group of like minded practitioners. It was during the Teisho, the equivalent of a sermon, when our teacher offered the following story.

The scene is a beach. The tide is out and the beach is full of Starfish. They are far away from the water. They are stuck. They are exposed to the sun and they will die.

A young boy enters the scene. He sees the starfish. His compassion moves him to return the starfish, one at a time, back to the water. He is undaunted in this task.

Next a scientist enters the scene. He sees the vastness of the task and concludes the task is hopeless. He approaches the young boy and says, “ What are you hoping to accomplish? The task is too large and you will surely fail.”

“It matters to this starfish,” the young boy says, indicating the starfish in his hand.

There are 3 perspectives in this story.

The first is the scientist. In his binary world you either save all or none. The task is too large and not worth his time. Many of us are like the scientist. We are overwhelmed by the task and walk away.

Then there is the young boy filled with enthusiasm and compassion. He views each starfish as unique and worthy of saving. He is undaunted by the task because every life saved is worthwhile.

Then there are the starfish. They are marooned on dry land and unable to save themselves. Without help the starfish will die.

I have spent most of my life as the little boy. I was always a protector saving everyone I could. I started as a soldier. I served from 1988 to 1996 as a Russian linguist and interrogator. My job was to protect our country.

In 1996 I graduated with a Masters Degree in Counseling and practiced for over 25 years. Saving the world was too big. I focused on my clients and saved as many as I could.

In 2022 I was overwhelmed by my own mental illness and was no longer able to work. I am now on disability. I struggle to take care of myself and my wife. Leaving the house is a struggle. It requires completing too many moving parts. I have to shower, dress, figure out where I'm going, find my car keys and drive there. Not easy tasks. When I get there, I often leave abruptly as I become overwhelmed. It's like a clock running in my head. When the alarm bell sounds, it's time to go. And when I get to these places there is often work to be done. I can't help in that way. I can barely keep my house clean and my wife and I fed. I feel shame that I'm not able to help in ways I used to. I feel shame that my house was falling apart and my yard was a mess. Many of those days I could barely get out of bed.

I yearn to be the little boy again. I yearn for that positive feeling I always had while helping others. But now I need the help. I struggle to get myself to the water. I am the Starfish.